I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
