the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
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Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
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I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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