Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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