Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
