grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
