Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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