I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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