and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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