i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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