Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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