you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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