Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
