he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
