He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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