just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
