just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
