is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
