I smell stomach acid.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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