and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
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I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
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I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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