fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
