I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I am naked and annoyed.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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