I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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