i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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