i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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