Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Randomize
