She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
