you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
