I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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