i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you didnt know i had herpes?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
