This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
