Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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