He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
