I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
