Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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