i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
