im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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