I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
