He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
