I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
