and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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