Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
