I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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