oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
