at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
