I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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