I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
