He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
