peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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