Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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