If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
