I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
