Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
3pm strippers are depressing
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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