I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
