I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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