i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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