it wasn't lemon gatorade
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
