Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
